The Irritating Heartbreak

"I was an idiot."

This has been my mantra in the past months, ever since I saw my ex for the very last time. People around me trample me with contradictions. I'm too hard on myself, I'm told. There was nothing idiotic in going for love, I'm told. How could I have known that this individual would flake out on me so completely, I'm told.

So all right, maybe "idiot" is too strong. But no one put me into that relationship. I walked into it of my own free will. I was a full accomplice. For so long I had been careful not to get tangled up in the webs of romance, because I knew the spider that dwells among those webs intimately, and I knew it was no friend of mine.

Honestly, I'm not entirely clear on why we split in the first place. There was a crisis, there was an excuse, there was my initial acceptance that was followed after a half hour of heavy thought, there was my hard realization that he was trapped in an endless playback loop that I didn't want or need in my life. I never really got to talk out my feelings, however, because he quickly did the brave thing and hung up on me. And so it's been. He cut me from all of his online networking and won't even read my e-mail. About three weeks later I tried calling, mostly because I was concerned for him. He hung up on me then too.

In other words, deal with the problem by not dealing with the problem, me being that problem.

I'm even less clear on why he hates me now. As I recall one night we were deeply in love, and 24 hours later, he'd abandoned me, our relationship, everything we had so carefully forged. What did I do? What went wrong? Or wasn't it me at all, but him?

This is the part when my mended broken heart leads me to a mystery that is both irritating and annoying. Everything creeps back into my mind, and I realize I'm yearning for closure on a primal level. I don't want the relationship back--it's important to know when a time has passed. I do think I have a right to know what the hell happened from his point of view. I don't run from conflict, I work to resolve it. What kind of closure? I'll know when it happens. How is it that I'm on great terms with every other guy from every other relationship, but this guy isn't willing to settle with me peacefully?
I realize that the chances of attaining closure with his active participation is extremely unlikely. He hasn't even been willing to deal with me long enough so that I can return my pile of boyfriend stuff to him. It looks like I'm going to have to create a closure on my own. And that is both irritating and annoying.